I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
