When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
