Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
