he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I AM VODKA MAN
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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