look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
