You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
