Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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