mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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