question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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