i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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