I faked an abortion last night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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