I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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