As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
