oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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