I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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