He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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