nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
