Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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