He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
