That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
