And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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