I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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