did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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