I want to make a zoo with you.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
