totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
