i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
