4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
