My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
