will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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