insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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