at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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