NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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