I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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