did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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