And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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