My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
