you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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