Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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