Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
