one might say we're banned from that church
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
