you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
worst night to have a conscience
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
