I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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