i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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