When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Barsexuality is the new black.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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