by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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