I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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