does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
