how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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