You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
