Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
