It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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