Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
