Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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