For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
