cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Rumble strips road head = magical
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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