He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
