You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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