M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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