Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
