I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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