So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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